listen up
pls do not remove the creditszx!
Designer:yik
thong
Others:xoxoo
25 April 2009 @12:00 am
♥
A story I wrote, but I can't remember when. All I know is "Tears In Heaven" by Eric Clapton was playing on repeat in the back of my mind. I hope you enjoy.
Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same, if I saw you in heaven?
I tried to hold on to every bit of myself that I had left, struggling to pull myself together, even though I knew that it was going to be a waste of effort. He was gone. And I had nothing to live for. He was my everything, my own flesh and blood. My baby boy. I wondered if I would ever see him again. See his wavy black hair tumbling down to his shoulders and his dimpled grin that always made me the happiest person alive, no matter what I had gone through, I could always come home to my little ball of sunshine. Now, all I could do is wonder why all the innocent ones went first, and if I would ever see him again, smiling as if I had always been with him.
I must be strong and carry on.
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven.
I held myself tighter, wrapping my arms around my body, trying to keep it from trembling and hold my sanity in place. Whenever I closed my eyes, all I could see was his flawless features that were etched into my mind, refusing to let me pry myself away from the pain that seemed to attach itself to every inch of my weak body. But I knew that although he wasn’t with me, I had to go on. Staying alone was not going to help.
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand, if I saw you in heaven?
I knelt down next to his tiny bed that was covered in the petals of white roses and I intertwined my fingers together, murmuring quietly under my breath. I sent a prayer up to our Creator, and to my little child. ‘Watch over me Shasta. Help mummy to carry on. I love you Shasta and I will see you soon, baby.’ I felt the warmth on my cheeks as my tears ran down my face, bringing my black mascara with it and staining my bloodless cheeks.
I’ll find my way, through night and day.
I pushed myself up onto the balls of my feet and rocked slowly on the spot, trying to console myself. But I knew I couldn’t. Not now at least. Eventually I stood up, still clad in my black clothes from earlier in the day, and walked reluctantly away from his room. It had his smell, the sweet aroma that lingered on every garment and item in this room. It actually made me feel better. Somehow. I diverted my thoughts to getting showered and changed for bed. I struggled with thoughts of how I was going to get through this. I walked back to my room with a handful of pills and a glass of water.
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven.
After finally drifting into my endless slumber, I heard my Shasta, calling out to me and running to me. He was dressed in white and his curls and dimples were unchanged, but he was taller and he looked somewhat different. His smile was evident on his face, and I was sure that a smile had stretched across my face too. He ran straight up to me and hugged me. I let my tears spill over and hugged my son back, but he was different. Extremely different. He was now taller than me, towering above me and smiling down at me. I realised then, that was what he was going to look like if he hadn’t… gone. My tears just continued to flow but I didn’t let go of him, fearing that the moment might end soon.
“Mom, you have to go back, you’re not supposed to be here yet. I love you.” He whispered; his voice deeper but still sweet and innocent.
“I’m sorry Shasta, I just wanted to be with you, son.” I called back but he was already gone and I felt a tug on my hand as I tried to raise it against the bright light that shone through my eyelids. I opened my eyes and adjusted slowly- much too slowly- to the small room. I was in a hospital. Someone had found me and pulled me away from my Shasta. But he was right. I didn’t belong in heaven.
Time can bring you down.
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart.
Have you begging please, begging please.
A doctor and some nurses came into the room and busied about the machines that were next to me. I didn’t take note of any of them and I just answered their questions blankly. There was only one thing occupying my mind. My grown up Shasta. He looked so handsome, so perfect. And I’d never get to see him grow up into that beautiful young man. I’d never get to see him entering school. Never see him go to his first dance or prom. Never see him get married. I clutched at my chest and pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged myself, letting myself cry again. A part of me was lost with my little boy and I don’t think that I can ever get it back. I cried out to the nurses and doctor to help me, but they just stared at me, bewildered by my suddenness. I just hugged myself tighter, ignoring the pain in my hand from the pulling of the needles that were lodged in my veins.
Beyond the door, there’s peace I’m sure.
I fell asleep against my will, staring at the door. Then I heard his new, older voice.
“When you leave this place, enjoy life. I’m okay. I’m well taken care off. I love you mom, just remember that.”
I vowed that I would leave the hospital with only positive images in my head. I would live for him; show him I could be happy, remembering his words. With that I uncurled myself, letting sleep overpower me and letting a smile creep slowly onto my face as I recalled my baby boy waiting for me. Smiling and inviting.
